“He told her he couldn’t do it anymore,” my buddy mentioned down the cellphone. She was gossiping about somebody she is aware of who’s simply been dumped by her boyfriend.
“Why?” I requested her. “They seemed so good last time I saw them together? They were sat on this picnic blanket, and he was all like, ‘Do you have enough room, babe?’”
“I know, but apparently that was the problem: he liked her too much.”
Every week later I heard the same story from one other buddy about one other breakup. “He said he wasn’t good enough for her, that she deserved better.” It jogged my memory of the scene in Bridgerton when the Duke of Hastings tells Daphne: “It is because I regard you so highly that I cannot marry you.” Someone tweeted a screenshot of the scene underneath the – right – caption “fuckboys in 1813”. I’ve even had a man use this clarification on me earlier than – that trainer man I actually fancied mentioned, “I may have got really insecure…” in reference to why he’d stopped messaging me after our first date.
“Yeah, that’s complete bullshit,” mentioned my buddy Matty after I requested him concerning the “I like you too much” excuse over WhatsApp. “Why would you not want something that would make you much happier? Most of the time, the guy’s probably ending it because he wants to get with other people, or he’s found a better option. They just say, ‘I don’t think I’m good enough for you,’ because if you tell women the truth they give you so much ag, sometimes it’s easier to lie.”
“I’d way rather hear the truth,” I replied.
“So you’d wanna hear why that teacher guy didn’t message you?”
I considered what he might need mentioned if he was trustworthy. Maybe he discovered me too eager. Maybe I wasn’t his kind. Maybe he went on one other date with somebody he had a greater reference to. Maybe she had a type of strains working by way of her abdomen dividing up her abs. Maybe her hair was so shiny and lengthy it reached the underside of her ribcage. Maybe my hair was in that frumpy triangle form it makes when the ends of my bob refuse to curve underneath. Maybe my shoulders have been shrunken over like a witch. Maybe it was higher that he did truly simply mislead me.
Now I’m fascinated with it, I reckon ladies lie like this simply as a lot as males. We prefer it a lot that we’ve invented our personal model of it. In season two, episode 18 of Sex And The City, Carrie finds out Big is engaged to 20-something Natasha and he or she turns into satisfied that the storyline matches that of the Seventies romantic drama The Way We Were. In the movie, WASPish Hubbell Gardiner (Robert Redford) is head over heels in love with an activist with wild curly hair known as Katie Morosky (Barbara Streisand). Even although Hubbell’s obsessive about Katie, he finally leaves her as a result of she’s too sophisticated and passionate, and as an alternative he marries this boring woman with straight hair whom I can’t even keep in mind the title of.
After her epiphany that Big is so Hubbell, Carrie crashes his engagement celebration and reenacts a scene from the movie. She walks as much as him, smooths apart his hair, and asks him. “Why wasn’t it me?”
“I don’t know, it just got so hard, and she’s…” Big pauses, seems to be on the pavement, scraping one shoe in opposition to the opposite.
Carrie responds: “Your girl is lovely, Hubble.”
“I don’t get it.”
“And you never did,” she says, after which struts away in her tiny stilettos, shaking her chaotic blonde mane along with her palms. She passes a horse-drawn carriage and the animal neighs out, pawing its hoof prefer it’s able to run, whereas its proprietor reassures it “easy, girl”.
“Maybe I didn’t break Big,” Carrie concludes. “Maybe the problem was he didn’t break me.”
When my ex broke up with me, I ignored many of the causes he gave and zoned in on the truth that he mentioned he nonetheless cherished me. One time I rang him crying and stored calling him “a f##king coward”. I satisfied myself that we ended as a result of I used to be ripping aside on the seams with character and that he needed to be with quiet ladies who mentioned “Can we talk about something else?” if somebody introduced up politics on the dinner desk. Girls whose kicks got here from incorporating the cabbage that has been within the fridge for per week right into a recipe they have been making.
I’m certain the ladies he was with have been fascinating, actually. That they have been good at placing on humorous accents once they informed tales. That they danced till they have been sweating a lot that once they waited exterior for taxis their hair was moist and chilly on the backs of their necks.
And actually he was in all probability begging for me to be an excessive amount of, for one among us to provide one another greater than the opposite wanted. Everything was so sparse. Both of us midway there. Scrolling by way of ASOS whereas we lay in mattress. Mumbling noises as an alternative of utilizing phrases as a result of they took extra vitality to push out of our mouths. What does it even imply to have an excessive amount of character? Wouldn’t it simply be luxurious to be round somebody that had a lot of it?
But I wanted to assume it was as a result of I used to be “too much”, as a result of I couldn’t take the concept that one thing may be missing in me. Men may be flawed and so they’re nonetheless loveable – you see them in movies smashing stuff up and dropping their mood, however we’re nonetheless cheering them on. Women can’t have something lacking, or nobody will care about them. I needed to protect the concept of my perfection. It needed to be his downside as a result of I knew what it meant if it was mine.
The buddy I used to be gossiping with about breakups rings me once more. “She’s been sleeping with him, keeps trying to persuade him that they can make it work.” One man who broke it off with me mentioned, “I think we want different things,” and although I gained some bizarre concept that I had furry nostrils for per week afterwards, I by no means considered him once more past that. Sometimes lies make you’re feeling higher however they typically find yourself haunting you. I inform Matty I nonetheless assume males ought to inform the reality about why they’re ending it.
I do imagine you may be an excessive amount of for individuals. I simply don’t imagine that’s why relationships finish. When it involves it, that’s what I would like from love. Not for my associate to inform me to cease as a result of it’s an excessive amount of, however for them to ask for me to be extra. For pole dancing on avenue lights and reserving dumb journeys once you’re drunk. I would like that feeling of overflowing, that stuffed up love, that wait simply let me breathe love. Because as Carrie says in her last voiceover: “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed, maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with.”
This article was initially written on Vogue